Am I really scared or just unforgiving?

Scared or unforgiving?
Scared or unforgiving?

I didn’t get much sleep last night as I was trying to get a rodent out of my room (Don’t know how the rodent got in as my door is always locked). Since I wasn’t getting any sleep, I decided to log in my Facebook account to see some updates when I was notified of my Facebook friends who are celebrating their birthdays today.  I was in the shower when I remembered when a friend told me he never knew I was really the unforgiving type. Truth be told, that statement got me.

Today, June 2nd 2017, I have two friends who are celebrating their birthdays and I am not in a close relationship with them anymore. I am happy they get to celebrate today with their friends and families.

Back to my question (blog topic),  I am a kind of person that build a VERY high wall around myself especially my heart when it comes to people. It is not easy to let my guard down when I meet someone new and I do appreciate it when people around me really put up a fight to see beneath my “perfect”. In as much as I give people tough time in getting to know the real me, I trust completely when I finally break down the high wall.

So sometimes back, I was heartbroken as my friends did to me what I can never do in a million years to them. I felt betrayed for days and I kept thinking if I made a mistake in letting my guard down or if the friendship was actually a mistake. After much thought, I forgave both but moving on is the hardest thing to do. I am the type of person that forgives quickly and never remembers the betrayal nor the pain but I can’t seem to trust such persons again. I don’t give them the opportunity to get closer to me again. I cut all ties with them but deep down I have forgiven them. I explained this to a friend when I was asked why I don’t have some certain contacts and he was like, no, it’s not possible to forgive and not move ahead the hurt. If I had truly forgiven as I had told him, I should not have a problem going back to the way the friendship was before the hurt and all. Well, we did argued for some minutes and he gave up the argument with this statement, I always thought you were this nice person and I had never thought you would be the unforgiving type. I NEVER KNEW YOU COULD BE THIS UNFORGIVING. I was shocked to say the least as I just ended the chat (call).

His statement kept me off-balance for days as I kept thinking over and over again if I was ever the person with a good soul. The real thing is I was just scared of getting hurt again. As someone who loves completely in a friendship, business or whatever relationship I found myself in when I let down my guard, I take betrayal real bad if the relationship do not work out.  Even when I try to get along, I just can’t seem to keep thinking this person will soon betray me as he or she has done before. While I feel bad after a failed relationship is that I put perfection into people. I do believe that for this person to break down the high wall I built around myself, there is limit to how far the person can hurt me.

By the way, Happy birthday to A. O and O. I

My question is, am I just scared? Or deep down I am the unforgiving type? Looking at an online dictionary meaning of unforgiving (allowing no room for adjustments or for errors or weakness; inflexible, exacting, harsh, etc gotten from http://www.yourdictionary.com/unforgiving#8tHwYb67kEq2obSD.99).

I would have concluded that my friend was right but would like to know your thoughts.

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